I finally did my first Proficiency Improvement Exam for my transcription course. I don’t think I did too terribly – I got 97% on the theory portion, and the dictation grades that have come back so far aren’t too bad. I’m still waiting on my final grade for the dictation portion but hopefully, I’ll have that tomorrow. My instructors told me not to wait for my grade to move to the next module, so tonight I’m starting on text expanders and the skeletal system.
I need to step it up though, if I want to graduate on time. I should be halfway to my second Proficiency Improvement Exam by now, but I’m not. The next few modules should be a breeze, so hopefully I can knock those out in the next few days.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom. It’s kind of hard not to because I’m going through her things, but man… I get into that “what if” spiral, and it’s deadly. I keep thinking about how life would be different if she were still here, what the dynamic of the house would be like. I also mourn the relationship that Autumn will never have with her, and that she’ll never see me and Charlie get married. Grief is a maddening thing. Every time I think I’m getting a little bit better and a little bit more “normal,” it comes back in a wave that just cuts me in half. It’s painful. Especially now, because watching my dad essentially give up on his life after her passing, it’s like getting burned twice.
I try to give myself grace, and I try to be patient with things, as this last decade has just been one major life event after another, but to say that things are “really hard” is a bit of an understatement. I feel myself burning out. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my dad. It’s hard to motivate and inspire someone who has pretty much become a ghost in their own life and doesn’t want to do anything for themselves.
My first thought is always that my mom would know what to do. But, her being gone is what started the fire in all of this and I know that if she were here, things wouldn’t be like this.
I should probably talk to a counsellor. I’ve been wanting to get back into therapy – I just hate that it costs so much. And of course, finding a counsellor here locally is a nightmare because I work in healthcare and I know everyone and how they gossip. The joys of living in a small town.
Thank goddess that tomorrow is Friday. This weekend, I’m just going to put on some Molchat Doma and focus on cleaning. Charlie’s been hacking away slowly at the laundry, but the bedroom is still a disaster. The kitchen and both bathrooms need to be cleaned pretty badly, and Autumn’s room needs to be reorganized. I need to remind myself to get both Emilie and Autumn some bins for organizing next time I’m out shopping. I also might do some baking this weekend. Charlie’s been bothering me for some homemade goodies and it might make me feel better.
